Or we could have spent the 30 grand on wine

by mollykl

So the week that Time magazine released the cover story “The case against home ownership””   my husband and I put in an offer on a house. In two weeks we close, and while I don’t currently have a cocktail in my hand, I should.

In honor of this, I present you with my cousin Jess’ formula for the amount of alcohol you’ll need to buy a house.

“One case of wine per real estate agent involved.  One case of wine after offer has been accepted.  Now, depending on your finances and the age of the home, the formula can get tricky.  If the house was built before 1970- 4 bottles of bourbon or gin.  If the house was built before 1970 and you have to deal with an FHA loan, add an additional 4-6 bottles of bourbon or gin.  Now- here is the kicker, if you have hit all the requirements so far, be damn sure to keep all your receipts so when the mortgage guy nit-picks through your monthly expenses the night before you are supposed to close you can prove to him that, yes, you did drink that all.  When you close the house, you will get a $4 bottle of wine from the closer.  Then you will need to re-stock for the house warming party!”

Note of caution: this formula is not for the weak. Jess and I? We come a family of drinkers. I swear that if the four horsemen of the apocalypse showed up at his front door at 4 p.m., Grandpa would have told them to either come back later, or invited them in and asked, “What’ll you have?”